I hate my boss!

I hate my boss!

I was out walking with a friend this week, which is usually a time for broad ranging conversations.  This day, he told me about a student he knows who was frustrated with her boss and ended up telling him to “expletive deleted” and walked out of the room.  And perhaps out of the job.   It got me thinking about the people I have worked with where the relationship got in the way of the goals we were supposed to achieve.

I realized very late in my career that part of my role was actually to make my boss successful.  I still find it interesting that I hadn’t considered that for so long, but perhaps I am not alone in that.  This points to the importance of making sure that personal goals are explicit and aligned to the mission and goals of the organization as I suspect that by focusing on those goals, I (inadvertently) made sure that my boss was successful as well.

Most of us have worked for people whom we didn’t respect, didn’t get along with, and perhaps just didn’t like.  In my day, it would have been a career-limiting move to tell them that openly.  But today’s young managers have been brought up expecting to question authority and not to defer to hierarchy to the extent that we did.

So, how do you make your boss successful and deliver on the organization’s goals, if you don’t have a great relationship with either your line manager or important colleagues?

Clearly there will be different answers in different circumstances and for different people.

The ideal solution will be to build a great relationship but that comes at the expense sometimes of ego, energy, and time.  You have to ask yourself if the relationship is important enough that you are willing to make that investment.   In most close work relationships, the answer will be “yes”.    Unless you plan to quit anyway, or you think the person is leaving, or you can tough it out.    How far you go along this path will, again, be a situational decision; do you want an effective working relationship or do you need a close personal one?

Whole books have been written in this area so I can’t possibly be complete here, but here are some of my top techniques.

Get over yourself and your ego.  If the situation is going to change, it has to start with someone and you are likely the only one that you have control over.

What is your intent?  I ask myself  “What do I want to cause in this?”  Be clear so that you aren’t going in trying to change someone or show them they are wrong.

Consider their readiness and openness to talk.  Think about how this may be different with different cultural backgrounds.  Ask for time to talk privately or have a casual chat after work, depending on where you can both be comfortable.

Be curious.  What is the other person’s interest in the situation?  Do they think there is a problem?  What do they care about?

Be responsible for yourself.  Own your emotions and your reactions.  If you are angry or hurt, understand that it is your choice as to how you react to someone else’s behavior.  I know this is easier to say than it is to do sometimes.

Consider what your responsibility has been in the situation.  We all contribute to the outcome of any situation, despite our best efforts to look like victims.

Bring it back to the impact on work and the organization.  This isn’t about you wanting to be their best friend; it is about how you work together in getting results for the organization.  Don’t tell your boss that you don’t like the way they manage, but you can tell them that you work best when you get clear information on priorities and deadlines about when projects are due.

Remember the good old “I” statements and address the impact that a specific behavior has on you.   “When you answer the phone when we are in a meeting, I feel like you don’t respect me or my time.”  The purist in me wants to make sure that you express an actual feeling or “When you answer the phone when we are in a meeting, I feel hurt because it seems like you don’t respect me or my time”.  You choose based on your and the other person’s openness.

Be resilient.  Don’t expect a full resolution on your first attempt to speak with someone.  Take small steps and you may be surprised at where you get.

Don’t be afraid to get help.  If this is a really important relationship and you don’t think you can do it on your own, have a facilitated discussion.  I had to do this with one important relationship and we reached an understanding about our personal differences that I don’t think we could have on our own as those differences would have barred the path.

If it isn’t working, decide if you can “suck it up” and get through to the end of a contract or until one of you gets transferred.  You can learn something in any situation and hey, I have toughed it out on occasion and ended up as their boss.